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A Conference From Hell

Posted by Art Of Legend India [dot] Com On 6:18 AM

Conference Call HellSummary: A conference is a rare opportunity to get your entire team together in an atmosphere that is less formal than the workplace, which often means people are more

A conference is a rare opportunity to get your entire team together in an atmosphere that is less formal than the workplace, which often means people are more receptive to information and guidance. Unfortunately, many conference organisers make fundamental mistakes that result in the conference being little more than an exercise in trying to stay awake for attendees and returning your team to their homes feeling drained and uninspired. The following is an itinerary detailing the events planned for a particularly terrible conference. Hopefully readers will be able to learn from the mistakes made here.

Itinerary for sales conference - Superfun 2013

Day 1:

  • Departure: Team arrives at offices at 5:30am to catch an ageing bus that appears to be seconds from a fiery, explosive death.
  • Three hour ride to venue. Feel free to try to catch up on lost sleep on the seats which are essentially bare wooden park benches.
  • We arrive to a delicious “buffet” breakfast of cold shoulder bacon, cold toast, oily eggs and some corrosive chemical concoction labelled as orange juice. After all, we chose this venue from the best  conference venues in Johannesburg.
  • During breakfast, the “conference coordinator” will present the itinerary which you are reading right now. They will try to draw you from your sleep deprived haze by promising surprise team building activities and awesome fun.
  • After breakfast is always a good time to listen to a lengthy presentation which could have been given at any time during normal work hours. (Please see “Speakers” footnote)
  • Team building: At this point, we’ll force everyone to take part in the first of many entirely irrelevant and badly thought out games that the internet says will forge bonds between team members.
  • Team drinks: The first opportunity for people to get drunk and do things that they will regret for the rest of the trip. Humiliating situations are the key to real team building.

Day 2:

    Business Meetings
  • Hangover breakfast: By this point, most people will be in even worse condition than the first breakfast. Not to worry though, the same stale breakfast as before should get everyone back into the swing of things.
  • Much, much more talking: We’ll get some team members to present their thoughts and ideas. George from accounting is an auditor who lives alone with 14 cats, but we’re sure he’s going to deliver a compelling and inspiring talk.
  • Lunch: Another delicious buffet in which every dish tastes exactly the same.
  • More talking: No one slept the night before, so it’s at this point that listeners begin to pray for those glorious moments when the speaker dims the lights for their presentation.
  • Team drinks: The hair of the dog that bit you remains the only real cure for what ails you.

Day 3:

  • Breakfast: Dry your tears, it’s almost over, we’re on the home stretch
  • Wrap up talks: We’ll consolidate everything you’ve learned, even if it’s nothing. We’ll do incredibly protracted talks thanking the people involved in planning this life changing event.
  • Return: The same bus will pick up our weary, tearful team and the drive home will seem unbearably slow. Not to worry though, we’ll be right back in the office on Monday, with a wealth of new knowledge and a stronger sense of camaraderie than ever.  


Business Meetings
To ensure maximum absorption of vital information, we have very carefully ensured that all speakers:
  • Are able to speak in a steady monotone for at least 90 minutes.
  • Always use Powerpoint, especially when a normal conversation would more than suffice
  • Are either incredibly nervous or make constant, painful attempts at humour
  • Ensure that presentations include no more than 10% of information you haven’t heard before.
  • Make up bizarre acronyms which “help you to remember” concepts
  • Say um between each sentence and sniff/cough incessantly throughout their presentation. 
Visit Also:

 A Musical Party. 1874 – Great artist Mary Cassatt 

 Blue Morning Glories – Great artist Georgia O'Keeffe 


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Company Overview

Art of Legend India has the distinction of being one of the best in the Indian Handicraft Industry. We are about 75 years old handicrafts manufacturer & exporter. We are having team of more than 500 craftsman.

We are having our business offices in India, USA & Germany to ensure our best services., Development and Marketing Services